


Relationship Counseling

by Aewin



Series: copiing techniique2 [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Sex, Christmas Smut, Clothed Sex, Double Penetration, Fingering, Foursome, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Dave, Genderfluid Jade, Moirails With Pails, Multi, Pegging, Polyamory, Xeno, swinging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-06 05:30:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1102982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aewin/pseuds/Aewin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat arranges a promised, but forgotten, threesome for Sollux's human Christmas gift. He didn't expect it to become a foursome, and he certainly didn't expect it to become a poly relationship in the process.</p><p>Sollux, meanwhile, is just happy that being the filling in a DaveJade sandwich can shut his brain up for a while.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Relationship Counseling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [draconicality](https://archiveofourown.org/users/draconicality/gifts), [Troodon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Troodon/gifts).



> I return! I had some major issues writing for a while thanks to citalopram, but I am now off said drug and regaining the ability to focus. Just in time, too; awkwardMocha asked for "Something Christmas/wintery" for Giftstuck, and my mind jumped immediately to a sequel for Group Therapy where Karkat arranged that promised JadeDave threesome for Sollux as a Christmas present. This fic will, therefore, probably make more sense if you've read Group Therapy first, but it can be read on its own if you prefer.
> 
> It was a rather vague prompt, so I hope my fill satisfies!
> 
> This is also dedicated in part to Troodon, who *really* wanted to see that promise from Group Therapy get fulfilled.

Human Christmas surprisingly doesn’t suck as much as you thought it would. Yeah, the party sucked a bit—there were tons of people, only half of which you knew, and weirdly-sweet human candy sticks that made your teeth ache—but Christmas trees smell a billion times better than behemoth leavings, and you can’t wait to see if Mituna can open his psi-locked gift without blowing it up (dude’s seriously gotta work on his control issues or he’s gonna blow a fuse again). Plus you get an unthinkably-awesome two weeks off work, and Karkat’s been glued to your side like a processor to a heat sink the entire time.

Yes indeed, life is good for once (barring the jittery, manic energy suffusing your body, but at least that’s something you’re used to dealing with from time to time)—and that’s a perfect reason to be suspicious when Karkat drags you out to a little bungalow in the middle of nowhere on a heat-forsaken snowy evening. There’s smoke puffing in little clouds out of the chimney, so the place must already be occupied. The smoke means people, which is annoying, but more importantly it means you can stop using your psi to keep yourself warm once you get inside.

Karkat sinks about half a foot into the snow as soon as he exits the scuttlebuggy, and you’re still a bit miffed about being dragged out fuck-knows-where to meet fuck-knows-who for fuck-knows-what-reason, so you pointedly kick your psionics into gear and float beside him, your feet dangling precipitation-free.

You don’t say a word. You don’t _have_ to. He tries to kick you anyways, and fails horribly, as predicted. He falls face-first into the snow, cursing so violently you’re surprised the heat of his ire doesn’t just melt it under him.

“Well geez, KK. I know you’re eager to present me this mysterious gift and all, but there’s no need to rush on my behalf. Ehehe.”

“See if I ever bring you out here again, you bulge-brained pile of hoofbeast offal.” He huffs and brushes at the snow on his clothes. A surge of pale pity washes through you, and you feel like an utter piece of shit. God, he’s such a pathetic wreck of a moirail. You silently melt the snow, wrapping a thin layer of psi under his clothes to keep him warm. He doesn’t say thanks, but—again—he doesn’t have to. You just sort of _know_.

He thanks you by rapping an obnoxiously uneven 4-1-3 pattern on the door, and you grind your teeth together as a teasing female voice comes through the door.

“Password?”

Karkat leans into the door and mumbles something that you can’t quite make out. A giggle sounds through the door, and the girl speaks again.

“Louder, Karkat! I couldn’t quite hear you. You know what, just yell it so we can make sure it’s loud and clear for everyone!”

Karkat glares at _you_ , for some reason. You raise an eyebrow in confusion.

“Oh my taint-chafing fuckrod, that woman is a certified horrorterror. You’d better be glad you’re so pitiful, or I wouldn’t do this, not even for _you_.” He takes a deep breath and bellows: “It is I, the holly jolly Karkat Vantas, here to deliver presents to the naughty boys and girls of this humble abode. Please permit me entrance, that I may spread joy to my moirail and the immaculate specimens of the human race that reside within.”

You almost fall out of the air laughing as the door opens and a rush of warm air hits you. It’s followed by a sudden, tight hug from what feels like a plush pile of bricks, for all the sense that makes. KK snickers at the squeaking noise you make as you run out of breath, and your assailant lets out a soft _oh!_ and puts you down on the entry mat hurriedly.

“Sorry, Sollux! I just got a little overexcited to see you again. Come in!”

It takes you a moment to place her grinning features, since she’s in a bizarre red-and-white velvety dress that shows off way more of her skin than you’re used to seeing, but it’s the human girl Jade—minus the cute barkbeast ears she had when you saw her in the game. You don’t know her amazingly well, but you like her already, given that she can put Karkat in his place. The house she leads you into is almost stiflingly warmed by a crackling fireplace in the front room, and you hurry to strip off your heavy coat as Jade and Karkat start bickering in the background. You turn, looking for somewhere to put it, and _Dave Strider_ , of all people, is holding out his arms to take it. His outfit matches Jade’s, and the fuzz-lined skirt hem flounces a bit as he turns to hang your jacket on a nearby hook.

“Yo, light show. How’s it hangin’?”

You’re a little distracted by the short skirt hem, and not exactly happy to be interrupted in your ogling. God _damn_ , he’s got some nice thighs for such a skinny dude.

“Like a bananabeast from a banana tree. How the fuck do you _think_ it’s hanging, it’s cold as globes out there. How the hell are yours not freezing off in that thing? Actually—I thought human guys didn’t wear that kind of thing? Unless I’m being an idiot, I’m probably being a complete idiot, goddamn it, why the FUCK did I open my—”

“I dunno about you, man, but in the universe _I_ died for, anyone can wear whatever the fuck they wanna wear.”

Fair enough. You guess a lot’s changed in human culture too, and you’ll admit you’re thankful for that if it means the difference between seeing those thighs and not. “Works for me. Hey, is that a GSG?” You nod at the grub sitting on the table nearby.

“Of course it is, gotta keep up with Fiduspawn. It is, unironically, the most addictive game in the multiverse.”

“Heck yes, it is. The Grubstation Go is only the pinnacle of trollish gaming over the last decade. Found any shinies ye—”

Karkat gurgles and abruptly falls quiet in the background, and you snap your head around. KK doesn’t shut up unless something’s wrong.

Jade’s got him pressed up against the meal preparation counter, with her hand firmly and undeniably _in his pants._

“What the _fuck_!?”

Jade flashes you a sheepish grin. “Sorry! Did you want me to wait? It’s just, I’ve been waiting a long time to see if this would shut him up. And apparently it does, isn’t that neat!?”

Karkat huffs. “H—he doesn’t—” But he can’t finish the phrase before Jade makes a twisting motion that you’re pretty sure means she’s buried knuckle-deep in his nook. Dave is suddenly in your personal space, pressing you against the counter across from Karkat and muttering against your neck.

“Guess we’re late to the party, sparks.”

You flip your shit, completely and utterly. Karkat yelps as you pull Jade out of his nook with psi (yeah, she’s dripping red, holy fuck what even is happening?) and float her and Dave into the air out of reach of the both of you. Dave’s glasses skitter to the floor and he makes a noise of protest before you snap.

“What the grubfisting _fuck_. Is going on here?”

“Put ‘em down, Sollux. They thought you knew, but I wanted it to be a surprise, which was apparently a rump-lickingly horrid decision on past me’s part. Go fucking figure.”

You don’t put them down. Instead, you probe into the matter with your usual tact.

“Please elaborate on what I’m _supposed_ to know but don’t, aside from the usual list of nearly everything.”

“Remember the club two months ago? That girl you wouldn’t shut up about, that fucked you right before you got together with Mituna?”

“…yeah?” You only spent a few weeks jacking off to thoughts of that night. No biggie.

Jade pipes up, disgustingly cheery for a woman hanging mid-air and covered in KK goo. “That was me, silly! I _said_ we’d give it a go with my boyfriend sometime!”

Yeah, you definitely remember the girl with hella muscles that fucked you good in your nook, and Jade certainly fits the profile.

Wow. Jade fucked you. You fucked Jade. That was definitely a thing that happened. You’d think that as long as you’ve spent being blind, you would have put two and two together even though you were blindfolded at the club. A stray memory of _clicks_ floats across your mind, and you glance at Dave. “Wait, that was—fuck, you’re the one that took all the pictures, aren’t you?”

He shrugs. “Guilty as charged. They came out pretty good despite the lighting in there, actually. Wanna see ‘em? They’re in the den.”

You stare at him. “No. No, I do not. Not now, anyways.” Admittedly, you’re sort of interested in seeing them at some other point, if only to see what colors you managed to get covered in that night. All you remember is a bucket of sludgy brown right before you passed out.

KK cuts in. “Anyways, you completely forgot about her during your big project for Feferi, so I figured I’d—you know, sort of arrange the actual event for you as a human Christmas present.”

“Oh. _Oh._ ”

“Yeah, so put ‘em down before they fry in your psionics and kick us out sans the magnificent time I was promised you’d have.” You roll your eyes but put them down. To your surprise, Dave doesn’t bother picking up his glasses, just steps back into your personal space and presses you against the counter again.

“So, do I need to hit the big red ABORT button on this fucker, or are we good to go?” His slight grin is crystallized mischief when he doesn’t have his glasses on, and his eyes are almost the same shade as KK’s. It’s incredibly distracting.

Hmm, let’s see. Do you want that promised night with the gorgeous, curvy woman that fucked you into the floor and left you wanting more, _plus_ the added bonus of rubbing up against Strider and his glorious thighs?

“Fuck _yes_ , it’s a go. Get on with it before we all die of boredom, Strider.”

He chuckles against your neck. “Can do, rainbow bucket. You know, next time you’ll have to let me set up a tripod and take video. You were all kinds of colorful back at the club.” He bites your neck, following up with a small little lick. You shudder. You’ve always been a sucker for biting. Karkat moans behind you, and you lean backwards over the counter to see what’s going on. Dave grumbles a bit but starts nibbling on your collarbone through your shirt.

Karkat is splayed so far out over the counter that you nearly clash your horns with his when you glance back. His ass is hoisted up to Jade’s hip-height, and her fuzzy skirt is hiked up far enough that you can see the strap-on she’s wearing as she pistons it into Karkat’s nook. Holy shit, she works fast. Then again, that sort of meshes up with what you know of her from the club—she sees something she wants and takes it, and that is _incredibly_ sexy. Dave is a lucky, lucky guy.

…a lucky, lucky guy that just pressed those lovely, lovely thighs and a hard-on against you. Nngh. Apparently, real human dicks are a bit pokier than the strap-on kind Jade wears. Not as solid, necessarily, but...different. It’s a bit uncomfortable at first, but it rubs against your sheath just right as he grinds against you, and your bulges slide out in what feels like twenty seconds flat. Party time is _now_.

“Pants. Get—just—pants. _Off_.” You fumble at Dave’s fly while he pops yours one-handed. “If this party’s for me, why is KK the one getting fucked?”

Jade giggles. “No worries on that front, I don’t think he’ll last much longer.”

“Harley, I am going to defecate in your breakfast grain if you don’t fuck me harder—no, _harder_ , you imbecilic excuse for a blackfling—if you don’t, our genitals will rot and drift away on the breeze, and there will be no future generations to weep shamefully at our failures because we _still_ won’t have c—come—aah—”

“Are you suuuure?”

Dave chooses this moment to sink his inflexible human dick into your nook, and your groan drowns out Karkat’s answer. Your hands grapple feebly for the edge of the counter as Dave starts thrusting, but Jade’s hands close around your horns, triggering a burst of pleasure that spikes through your body in a series of strong waves, and you go limp with the countertop cutting uncomfortably into your back. Just forget it. You can’t be bothered right now, not with your whole body telling you that happytimes are a go. You give in and slump awkwardly over the counter.

Dave leans in on tiptoes and kisses Jade over the writhing forms of you and your moirail, but the only thing that really registers about it through the chemically-induced haze is the duality of Jade’s darkness against Dave’s paleness. It reminds you of being half-dead, which is ironic because you never feel so alive as when you’re being fucked. You take a deep breath and enjoy the life in the moment; Dave’s cock easing into you, Karkat’s labored breaths beside you as you grasp his hand for support, the awkwardness of noses bumping and imperfect teeth meeting as Jade leans down to give you an upside-down kiss. (You’ve learned what that taste is since the last time you kissed her. It’s cinnamon, spicy and pungent, and it leaves no doubt in your mind that it was indeed Jade that fucked you back at the club.)

KK stiffens with a low groan, jerking his hand out of yours and knocking Jade loose from the kiss, and slides slowly off the counter as material splatters onto the tile below.

“Aah—ah, fuck. Harley, I wasn’t even supposed to be involved in this. Would you mind explaining why the hell I am about to fall on my ass in a puddle of my own grubsauce?” (Ewwww.)

Jade laughs, and you tilt your head back far enough to see her steadying him. “Oh, _please_ , Karkat. You’ve been flirting with me since we met. I asked Dave if he knew how I should ask you out, since he spent all that time with you on the meteor, and he suggested I just sort of go for it!”

“Correction—I said 'shit, go be Santa.' The speed at which you morphed into a vaguely multicultural mish-mash of unbridled jolliness and crawled up Karkat's nook are all on you.”

Karkat shoots Dave an irritated look, but it softens quickly. Even as his moirail, you’ve only seen him this vulnerable and honest on a few occasions. “Thanks, I guess. The human quadrant sharing thing you’ve got going on here is pretty cool, I’ll admit. Even if it _is_  completely obscene, uncalled-for, and impractical.”

Dave slows his thrusting, and you wriggle against him. Okay, it’s nice that your moirail has found himself in good hands, but your brain has been working overtime today and you’d really like to get fucked until it shuts the hell up. You whine a little and shoot Karkat a pleading look. He just scowls at you in return.

“No, I’m not fucking you. I don’t have your freakish stamina. I am thoroughly _fucked out_ , and I am going to go shower until I can’t feel my fingers through the wrinkles. Can you two handle him until I get back?”

Jade grins at you as she hops the counter to the side you’re on. “Oh, _can_ we ever! Scoot over, honey. I’m already lubed up and everything! Oh—actually, Sollux? You’re okay taking it in the ass, right?” Her arms circle you and for just one moment you’re poised in mid-air with her dripping strap-on pressed against the entrance to your waste chute.

You choke at the bluntness of the statement. And at the bluntness of the strap-on against your ass. “ _Fuck me already_.”

She hums, and it resonates through her rumble spheres and into your back as she slowly lowers you onto her cock. “Hmm, that’s what I thought. Just making sure!”

You moan as you slide onto her. Dave’s nice enough not to fuck and jostle you as you inch down onto her dick, but it still burns to be stretched open and filled like this, even with KK’s material for lube. You’ve only been fucked in the chute a few times now, and all within the last few months; Mituna’s the only troll you know of that’s crass enough to even think of doing it. It’s nice once you get started, you’re not denying that, but it’s the getting started that’s the tricky part. It _burns_ , especially without enough lube.

Dave leans in to kiss Jade as you hit bottom. She meets him halfway, pressing you between the softness of their dresses, and a spark of genuine happiness flares up in your chest. There’s something amazingly intimate about being sandwiched between two people in love. Your head lolls back onto Jade’s shoulder as she begins to roll her hips, and once Dave starts moving again it’s like your brain vanishes. No worries, no overabundance of energy, no snark or anger or self-loathing—just a sense of belonging here, being the cog that links these lovers together, being useful for once in your life.

They fall into a rhythm easily. Jade wraps her legs around you both, and she pulls Dave deeper into you with every thrust and roll of her hips. It’s like you’re floating, suspended between them. Dave’s breath comes fast against your neck on one side, and Jade nibbles at your ear from behind, and it only takes a few moments before you’re begging for more because you’re _almost there_.

“Pl—fuck, please, just—harder, I’m _so close_ , and I can’t—aaah, I _can’t_ —”

Jade smiles against your neck. “Double-time, babe?”

Dave nips at your bottom lip. “Sure, but I’m close too. About to explode like someone dropped their Mentos into my diet Coke. Captor, you are one tight motherfucker. And has anyone ever told you you moan like a porn star?”

He slams his cock into your nook a few more times, changing the angle, and it hits the sensitive furrow between your shame globes. Your nook flutters uncontrollably and you come with a moan, shaking into a fuzzy haze of feel-good hormones (and presumably sounding like a porn star while you do so). Material runs down Dave's skirt and drips onto the floor obscenely.

“Yeah, that’s it, Sollux. Just like that—holy shit, dude, _yes_ —” He whimpers and goes stiff, his human cock releasing a tiny amount of material inside of you. You wonder vaguely through the residual fuzz of pleasure what color it is. He slackens against you a bit, but he has to shift away to let Jade lift you off of her strap-on. You protest.

“H—hey, you didn’t come, did you?” You have a reputation to uphold, after all. Can’t be leaving people behind before they’ve had a good time.

“Shoosh, silly.” She pats you on the head and thumbs at the base of your horns, and you have to struggle not to melt into a purring mess. You’re not as confused by the shooshing as you think you should be. You’re pretty sure you just walked into a giant four-person multi-quadrant blur here, and that’s apparently okay with the bits of you that can still think. “I came with Karkat, I’m fine. We’ll do it again sometime, okay? Oooh, with your psionics! I bet you can do some _really fun_ stuff with those, huh?”

“You bet I can, ehehe.”

Karkat stomps in with his shirt off, shaking droplets of water out of his hair. “Don’t encourage him, Jade. You’ll just end up with singed genitals and a lifetime of regrets.”

Your attempt at a comeback just comes out as a yawn. Fuck, you didn’t realize you were this tired, but you _have_ been awake for a few days now. Gotta love upswings.

Jade notices the yawn and waggles her fingers towards the fireplace in the recreation block. “Dave, skirt. Sollux, shirt. I think we've got more than a few things to toss in the laundry!” She strips off her strap-on and skirt brusquely as she talks, and you’re honestly sort of in awe at how take-charge she is. Plus, the view you get as she walks out of the room with the clothes just confirms that her thighs and posterior are even more shapely than Dave’s. Damn.

“Come on, guys. We’d better be cuddling like a pile of fuzz-feathered kittens by the time she gets back in here, or there’ll be hell to pay. ‘Sides, I dunno about you, but I’m sleepier than a princess after a mishap with a sewing device.” Dave pulls a snuggle plane off the couch and pats the spaces on either side of him. Karkat raises an eyebrow at you, and you shrug and sit. Karkat sighs and follows, taking his other side, and the three of you huddle in awkward silence under the blanket until Jade returns and flops into position on your other side, cooing at “the cute festive scene.”

You drift to sleep with her arm around you and Dave drooling on your neck, and wake up to a cup of cocoa and a toothy grin.

“What the hell, why does Dave get more marshmallows than I do?”

“Wh—hey, Karkat, hands off the goods, I don’t have any more than you do—oh no you don’t, you little shit, come back here!” Dave takes off after Karkat, chasing him around the couch and nearly knocking his cup over. Jade snuggles up to you and whispers in your ear.

“Hey, you want some?” She grins and flashes the remaining half a bag of marshmallows at you from under the snuggle plane. You snort under your breath, and pop two into your mouth. The bag is almost gone by the time Karkat and Dave settle down and realize there were more to begin with, and the four of you spend the day watching bad movies and laughing so much that your sides hurt by the time you go home.

Yeah, you could get used to this human Christmas thing.

**Author's Note:**

> The tumblr link to this fic is [here](http://solluxisms.tumblr.com/post/71466302587/relationship-counseling-3740-words-by-aewin-ao3). Be aware that the main page of my blog is likely to contain in-your-face bulge squirming at any given time, so I'd stick to the link if you're not in a good place to view NSFW pics.


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